If you ever have the opportunity to visit Costa Rica take is as though you are truly blessed because it is one of the beautiful places I have ever been.

I left for Costa Rica with my friend John on Wednesday May 26th. I traveled from Orlando International Airport and arrived in San Jose in only 2 and half hours. From the moment I got off the airplane I just felt like a tourist. We walked outside the airport and it was like we were at a press conference people were screaming at us in Spanish trying to offer us everything from taxi rides to blow jobs. Finally we walk outside of the booth and we see Sal our driver and tour guide holding up a sign. Sal is this fast talking Costa Rican property manager who loves to feast on gullible tourists. He takes us around town which was nice of him but charges us an arm and leg for every little expense and talks me out hooking up with a prostitute just so I could hook up with his prostitutes. I decided not to hook with anybodies prostitutes.

We leave the airport and we talk Sal into bringing us to the infamous Hotel DelRay just so we can get acclimated to Costa Rican culture.

We get to Hotel Del Ray and its this really small Casino, Bar and Hotel all in one. Take into account we are there on Wednesday so its not like the place is packed to the brim there is just random hookers chilling at the bar as we sit down and order food. There is a soccer game on so some people are smoking and watching the game and there is pretty much smoke everywhere, which is just making me sick to my stomach.

The first thing I do is go to the bathroom and wash my hands cause I am a germ freak and then Sal and John who I am also with go to the bathroom and wash their hands and take shits based on my actions. I get back to the table and randomly make eye contact with this prostitute named Paullina. She comes over and acts kind of shy at first then and doesn’t say a word to me. Not realizing at first that she is a prostitute I ask her to join us for food as Sal and John come back to the table. She sits next to me as our collective food was delivered. I ordered some amazing fish, mashed potatoes and vegetables. This is amazing food that I didn’t get a chance to enjoy.

While I am eating Paullina pulls her chair right next to mine and before I could start eating and enjoying my food she grabs my right arm and starts massaging it. I put my fork down and pull my chair up closer like most guys I am really turned on by this sexy Costa Rican who speaks broken English. Just for shits and giggles I keep the saying the word “Bitch” and she thinks I’m saying “Beach” and I’m laughing my a$$ off. She then stops massaging my arm and then proceeds to take my hand and place it under her clothing and directly on her to vagina and then I start to tickle it and she starts laughing. She then takes my hands and forces it harder and into her vagina and kisses me in my ear. Take into account this all going on while John and Sal are at the table.

I am literally fingering Paullina at the table, which I just can’t believe. I don’t know if she likes me or is just trying to take advantage of this poor sensitive Jewish Boy. I start feeling kind of guilty so I pull my arm away from her mainly cause I want to eat. I then ask her to take a picture with, at first she is very tentative but then opens up.

I figured the hard sell was coming so then she starts asking me to come next door to the $15 an hour hotel room. I at first thought she was charging me $15 for an hour but I guess I was wrong. At first I was so tempted to do the deal with her but she kind of smelled like a used Chevy and Sal was telling me that she was dirty and disease ridden so I got talked out of it. I told her that I would be back later and that I had to go because I didn’t have the balls to decline her.

We leave the Del Ray and make our way south toward the house until we arrive around 5, which is way before all the other 12 people arrive. They all arrive at 11 so John and me get to pick our own rooms. John picks the big ass room only because I offer it to him because he let me sit in the front of Sal’s little shit car. He proceeds to get kicked out and I in turn and get the nicest single room in the house.

The first day was real action packed. We wake up bright and early like around 7:30 and hit the zip line. It’s raining really hard outside and I am kind of questioning is this safe? We get to the zip line place and everybody hops on this little tractor and we get trucked up the side of the mountain. I am asking the tour guides all these really stupid questions like what if happens if I fall off the zip line is there a path down the mountain? Do I follow the monkeys? Or are there breadcrumbs that will lead me back?

I finally just say fuck it jump on zip line and it was just amazing. I felt like I was 9 or 10 years old again zip lining out of my tree house. I never had a tree house but after watching “Home Alone” I always wanted one. I am on zip line screaming like George of the Jungle living the American dream. There is like 14 zip lines and I am hitting all of them. Some of them are really short which means they’re short ropes and others have a huge peak to them. I finally get to the last one, which is the longest trek down the mountain. There are two clips, which you’re hung on to so you could stay on the zip line. The main harness is clipped to your belt and the other harness is clipped to your back so you could lean back without flipping yourself. On the last line my back harness was way to tight so I tried to adjust it and the thing literally comes off and I’m sitting there on the zip line holding my harness in my hand I almost crapped myself. This picture below is of my friend John and I chilling on the bottom of the mountain after the Zip Line. . I am pretty psyched from the zip line and I did the Rocky Fist Pump.

After the zip line we then proceeded to the ATV place. This activity is what separated the dudes from the biotches. We rented out like 9 ATV’s with 2 tour guides. We first drove on the road with the ATV’s for about half hour, which I thought was kind of gay. We then hit the beach and then followed that up by doing some sick off roading through this trail that ran right along the river. We went through puddles and over bridges. I saw this mean ass crocodile in the swamp while on the ATV. I was doing my best and going out of my way to make sure I hit every pot hole and ran through every puddle just so I could get my money’s worth. My friend Shamoon knocked it out of the ballpark by crashing the ATV into a side rail and bending a rim. I wish I could have done something as cool as that.

The next day was another early day we woke up real earlier and drove out like 3 or 4 hours to Arenal Volcano. The original plan I think was to go out to Arenal, go Repelling down the waterfall and then check out the lava come out of the Volcano at night while feasting on some food. Our driver Danny though wasn’t even having it. All I ever heard this guy do was complain. We pay him top dollar yet he is just never satisfied. He is a really short dude and he had his seat so far up while he was driving the bus that he kind of made him look like “the brain” from pinky and the brain. Arenal Volcano was amazing and I was lucky to snap up some amazing pictures of it.

We went repelling inside this cave, which supposedly was close to Volcano. Originally I had this amazing adrenaline rush cause I actually thought we were going to be going inside the volcano. I was sadly mistaken. We again drove up the mountain in a little car then switched to a tractor. It wasn’t steep or anything. We got to this hut where they stopped and then we hit on our harnesses and started repelling. All I could remember though about walking inside the cave was everybody pointing out to this cow with a really big penis. I remember just thinking that cow must be banging all the other cuties cows and maybe even some Costa Rican prostitutes.

We did 4 jumps on the repelling. 2 little jumps and 2 really high jumps, which I thought, were just OK. It went really quick and the tour guides kept messing with us by having jump in these little holes then splashing lots of water on us. After repelling we grabbed some shitty pizza and saw the volcano erupt from a far away distance then all the people on the bus just got punch drunk sloppy and I fell asleep.

The next day we again woke up early as well and we went down into the Manuel Antonio area, which was like an hour and half south of where we were staying. Actually I think it was Quepos to be specific. We ate some crappy breakfast rice and beans for the third straight day. After breakfast it was white water rafting time. We drive far into the rain forest and our guide Flippi was cool as hell. He stops the car on the side of the road about 4 times to cut plants and show us the plants they use to make various cleaning products. We get to the river about 2 hours after we start and the river is made up almost exclusively rapids. Rafting was by far the most fun part of the trip. The images below will make you wet because it was so fun. There was 6 of us on a raft myself, Hecker, Samie, Shamoon, Burke and Flippi. I think Flippi pretty much saved our lives by steering us in and out of the wild ass rapids.

After the rafting trip, I pretty much came back and slept the rest of the day and acted like a lazy bum.

The next day, which was Sunday, was the Tortuga Island snorkeling trip, which I honestly thought was pretty lame. We woke up early again took the bus to Puntaneras and hopped on this ferry in route to Tortuga Island. There is no doubt that this island was beautiful. We saw some wild pigs and lots of fresh coconuts and awesome Ceviche that they cooked but it was just way to slow for me. They took us out snorkeling for like 30 minutes, which I thought sucked. Not much to speak of on this day except some cool pics I took.

The next day was back home to dull life in the states.